Monday, January 19, 2015

So. Many. Emotions.

This pregnancy feels so different than the last one. My feelings are more wide-ranging and complex. Last go-round, all I thought about was having those babies. Nothing else in my life mattered but those little babies kicking around in there. I was a very one-track mind. 

This time, though, I find myself running a spectrum of feelings about … every hour. 

I, of course, feel SO happy. It’s been years since I thought much about babies (and having my own), but now every time I see one, I think — that’s going to be me in a few months! I’m also soooooo excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. With the girls, we went in for a sonogram at 16 weeks to check on those little turkeys and were surprised that we got to find out they were girls at that appointment. So, all of this anticipation is such a new feeling. HUGE props to those who can hold out for the full 40. I bow down to you. 

I also feel anxious. How will we make it all work?? I know now what having a baby is like — and how can I possibly do that again? Last time, ignorance was bliss. I knew I’d be tired, but good golly miss molly, I actually had no idea what tired even meant back then. This time, I know. AND I have kids who will need a Mom during the day — I imagine it will be much more difficult to “sleep while they sleep.” 

I also feel guilty. This is a weird one. But I’ve felt it off and on since Scott and I decided to go for No. 3. Spending five years devoting everything to Grace and Claire leaves me feeling a little guilty for adding a third and naturally taking away from what they’ve had to share all along. Before they were born, I took a breastfeeding class and I asked if my body would produce more milk since I was having two. She said it would be like the girls getting half a sandwich. And really, that’s been their story for the past five years. Sharing everything since before they were even born. 

BUT then my other hand says, what a second, Katie. I have siblings and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And I was No. 2, so I didn’t have any time to myself. I’ve been sharing since I was born, too. It will actually be good for them to not be the center. (Or half of the center). It will be good for them to make sacrifices, see others’ needs, etc. 

Then I feel excited again, thinking about how fun it will be to experience this baby alongside my girls. Seeing it through their eyes will add another layer of awesome to the whole thing. 

And then I realize I need a nap because good grief I’m exhausted from all this overthinking. 

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